I feel like I've had a lifetime of "when X happens, then I'll move onto Y." For years, it was "when I get a tenure track job, I can get married." "After I get tenured, I can have a baby." "After I get tenured, then I can write that novel I've always wanted to write." "After I finish this paper, I can start eating right."
Since when did my career overtake my life?
There's a lot in there that isn't said. I'm truly motivated by people who piss me off. Is that really what should be motivating me? Probably not. But a lot of what I've done in my life is to shrug the haters off. For instance, my ex-husband told me that I'd be lonely for the rest of my life after I left him. I went on to not only lose 70 pounds, but I also met the man of my dreams and married him. I was told that I couldn't have a research career. I was told that I wasn't going to get tenured at my job. I've been tenured and promoted for over a year now. Because of that, I am motivated to be uber-productive. But what am I losing at by pursuing that route?
This morning, I stood on the scale and saw a number that I hadn't seen since my post-partum months. Since October, I have gained 15 pounds. It might not seem like a lot, but it is to me. I'm almost back to a point that, eight years ago, I never thought I'd see again. I don't understand why I allowed this to happen. Because, yes, I allowed this to happen. I didn't make myself a priority. And I need to start doing so.
One of the things I do to stay on track is to make a "semester plan". It contains things that I want to do over the next 15 weeks of my life. I'm not going to lie: this summer is a tad complicated. I'm having a small procedure done at the end of the month, going on vacation for a week the following month, visiting family in July and then... the semester is beginning again. What happened to me? Why do I look for excuses all the time?
This summer... no excuses. I'm going to put ME first. I have fallen in love with the idea that if I take care of ME, everything else will fall in line. That means being a better mother, a better wife, and a better scholar. This can happen. This will happen. That carousel may never stop turning, but I can always decide how I'm going to ride it.
